The "I wants"

The picture has absolutely nothing to do with the post. He's just to adorable not to add.

I have the "I wants" as I call it. A feeling of wanting not stuff per say but peace with who I am and what I am doing. So I want: to be a better wife, mother and friend. I am in a new phase in life. For the first time in almost five years I'm not pregnant, trying to stay pregnant or trying to get pregnant. There is no greater purpose to my body other than to greatly annoy me because it is so jiggly from the stated reasons above.So I'm trying to remember who and what I am all titles a side.What makes me the fabulously odd and unique person that I am or was? I am MRS. Lowe and Mommy. Am I Asia though? It's an odd feeling to miss yourself.I can't get my innocence and beautiful sense of trust back, too much has happened. Too many losses too much sorrow and pain. Does Wisdom fill in the gap? I hope so. I hope that the knowledge I have gained from my experiences can help others for good. Others who need that shoulder and understanding that I didn't have. Not to say I wasn't surrounded by those I love...but sometimes you have to have been there. So I want to help but don't know how. Don't you just hate that?!

For the past couple years I have been thinking about writing a book. Maybe just for me to get all my thoughts and feelings in one place, maybe to one day send to a publisher so I can maybe help someone by their reading my words but its such a scary undertaking. Don't I have enough hobbies?!A book on how to deal with deployment better than I did, how to deal with death and loss and still have your sanity intact. A book on how to let the Lord take your pain from you when you want to keep it so you can feel something, anything but understanding that he will fill the void left by the pain.I want... to help others so I can feel less guilt and maybe make myself believe one day that it's not my fault.He would be three in three months. Three, a lifetime and a moment ago.

So... any ideas? How do you find yourself beyond the Momminess in your lives? I love being a mother but I don't want it to define me.I need more than dirty dishes and clothes, and kisses. I need to find me so I can be better at those things and feel fulfilled at the end of the day.By the way I know this is sounding rather down and I'm not honestly. It's just I need helpful ideas and I know I am not the only one who feels this way. Man, I hate the "I wants"!