Light at the end of the tunnel

I have been sorely neglecting my blog while pursuing other pursuits such as camping, unpacking, and celebrating my perfect sons 2nd birthday.While pictures I promise are imminent this post will be a bit more serious than about the above mentioned.

First of all I wanted to clarify something I've been asked about several times recently. I share. I share quite a lot really about my life and the roller coaster it is. I share my feelings and experiences on infant loss, infertility struggles, miscarriages, and having my beautiful perfect little disasters I call Aurora and Gideon. WHY?! Because its important.Its important because in so many of those topics people are made to feel shame and I think that is WRONG so I share to make others feel they are NOT alone in their struggles with parenthood or their struggle to achieve it.There is no shame in the trials God has appointed us. There is pain a lot of it but personally I think the greater the pain one experiences the greater the amount of joy you can achieve and appreciate.

Today hurts, today hurts a lot. I was pregnant until today. This time I thought for the first time ever an unexpected ( miraculous )pregnancy would actually stick since we made it to six weeks. So I began to hope and plan and so for the first time in a long time this miscarriage made me cry and hurt. Normally I just try to stay numb until I see a heart beat since I've never seen a heart beat on a baby I've miscarried. I wanted this so very bad. But I guess I wasnt meant to share my birthday.I know God has a plan for each of us I just wish he would let me know what the blue prints say sometimes. But on a positive note so THERE DR's!!! who said I would never get pregnant again on my own. I can still get pregnant but I just cant stay that way. Still proves them wrong though and heavens knows how much I like to prove people wrong!

On to the hope that pregnancy #12 will result in a healthy living breathing baby.I try to not to keep count but I cant help it. I've got quite the brood growing in Heaven and I cant wait to meet every single one some day.

* Our insurance might cover our IVF, we will find out after we do some tests on both of us and submit all the findings and my medical history to their review board but right now I'm not ready to pursue that and don't feel strong enough to go through that roller coaster just yet.I'm thinking next Spring.I leave you with this:

“The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion. The tunnel is.”