Happy 4th Birthday Baby

How do they celebrate Birthdays in Heaven? No idea. I tried to buy a cake tonight for the kids to make Declan more real to them. I couldn't do it. I stood in front of that glass cabinet and almost started sobbing I couldn't even touch the door to open it. Maybe in a couple years, maybe not.

How many people can say the best day of their life was the worst as well. I can, that day was Hell. Pure and simple, hell. But I became a mother that day to a perfect beautiful little boy named Declan Thomas Lowe. His Great Grandma Ball was there the whole time I was in labor and I'm positive took him up to heaven to Gods waiting arms. That was pretty special feeling to me that I could feel her spirit there as I labored, a woman I love so very much. Auroras named after her. I miss them both. I wish I could be positive but today I just miss my baby and want him back. He should be four, FOUR! It feels like so much longer than that. I was so doped up because I was in labor for 36 hours and then they sedated me because well, my baby wasn't breathing and it took 18 minutes to resuscitate him and I probably would have gotten off the operating table with an open abdomen otherwise. All I remember is nurses screaming for more IV fluid, panicked voices, and seeing Ben leave because he couldn't take it anymore. So its hard for me to remember him. I have pictures and I do remember exactly how I felt when I saw him 7 hours later which was incredible but I also remember the fear of hurting him if I touched him and knowing he was brain dead but hurting for him and his little broken body being afraid he could feel all that pain but its getting so fuzzy and I feel so guilty.I will always feel responsible for his death. I may have made him but I also killed him. No mother should ever have to hold their child as it dies in their arms and to feel responsible for the death of their child. I know this is awful but I feel like "God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son" well he took mine too, and I didn't have a choice. I have seven babies in Heaven, seven. So honestly I don't feel so indebted to him. Don't get me wrong I love the Lord but I don't feel so guilty anymore.

But anyway after my lovely story, I am grateful so very grateful for that little boy being a part of my family. Oh, how I love him but today I just ache to hold him in my arms, to hear him laugh, see him smile and help him blow out his candles.We miss you buddy. We always will. You are ours forever.