Change

Unrelated pictures of the day. Yup its cold here but I love snow and never want to live with out it again!Gideon on the other hand....

I've changed a lot since we have moved here. Its been a really hard transition for me but Germany finally feels like home now and I'm really starting to love it. I've become much more relaxed, happy, and easy going since I've moved here. Needed changes and ones I'm glad have occurred . I'm not as narrow minded anymore thank Heavens!Its so easy to just see in side your bubble and think there is only one right. I'm glad for the trial of adjusting to so many new things that made me fall on my tush and need to get up again a better person.

We are moving to a new house at the end of April and we are THRILLED! We designed the kitchen, get to pick out paint colors, designed my flower beds, buy light fixtures etc. The house is currently being built and should be done shortly after we move in( The grass wont be in yet since they have to wait till fear of a freeze is gone). The house is about 3400 sqft. has 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 3 large living areas, a dining room and three cellars and two car garage. It has floor to ceiling windows and three terraces and three balconies. It has a large( for Germany) back yard. All the floors are this gorgeous dark grey granite and are heated throughout the entire house. It HAS CENTRAL HEAT, oh happy day! Which is incredibly rare in Germany.Its an incredible house! We have loved being on the building of it as they are doing every thing we ask of them! They even put cat5 to all the rooms for Ben. Its three floors with a HUGE( 400 sqft.) loft but the "basement is dug out ( I'll take pictures as its hard to describe and the dug out around the house has huge limestone rock walls and there are two terraces down there so you walk out onto the terraces and theres stairs up to the front of the house and a separate entry way( you can get to it in the house too). We will have a guest suite with bathroom and living room/music room( its huge) that has its own entrance and its own private terrace so if you come and visit ..... Dave and Nancy( Ben's Dad and his wife) will be Christening it two weeks after we move in.I already bought the new bedding and I'm hoping to have everything done by then. We are excited for visitors! Now I just have to measure all my windows for curtains! I've bought fabric for all the rooms except Auroras. Anyone need cute curtains? I have three pairs that wont work in the new house. Two sets are partial black out curtains and are very nice! I don't want to give them to charity as I spent so darn much for them. I would rather give them to some one I know( they are free and come with chocolate ;) I will post some pictures soon ). I'm also currently making Gideon a quilt, bedspread, Huge floor pillows, and curtains as I want to redo his room as a big boy room since he will turn two shortly after we move in and am hoping to pick up some cute accessories at Hobby Lobby while I home.I'm also making huge throw pillows for the playroom. So yeah, along with the above mentioned I only have 12 sets of curtains to make, recover 8 throw pillows in matching fabric ,make 8 giant play pillow covers. You know and then pack..... Oh, did I mention that we will be coming to the U.S. from February 21-March 19th. So yeah. If I don't blog so much you now know why! It's definitely not because I'm pregnant and puking though that would be nice.

I'm pretty much giving up. We are on to month 8 with everything were doing. I think its time to look at other options soon.I know we are not done. Our family is not complete but this is hard on my physical and emotional health. I love adoption. I think its incredible, beautiful and since I was a tiny little girl I've wanted to adopt. My dream was actually to run a home for orphans and just love them and have them be mine. But since I've had my kids I look at them and they are beautiful and are the best of us, we made them and thats so incredible to me. Our love made those incredible human beings -WOW! and I want more that have my eyes and his ears and who dont like apple juice and jelly on their peanut sandwichs just like me. I'm afraid. Afraid I wont love the adopted one as much. I've never had that fear with being pregnant and wondering how I will love another one. From before I find out I'm pregnant I already love that little soul so when they come out of my body its an immediate out pouring of love. When I had Declan four years ago tomorrow, LOVE immediate overwhelming LOVE. I've never loved anyone that much or immediately. I saw him and knew he was mine and he was perfect and beautiful. The most beautiful baby to this day I have ever seen and will ever. He is my son, we are eternally linked and at that moment I felt it.I knew he was going to die but it didn't matter. Seven agonizing hours after he was born I finally got meet him and it was amazing. So I'm afraid but some where in my heart I feel like if I am meant be some else's mother not made by me but given to me I will know and the love and eternal connection will be there too. I believe even after everything that has happened to me in this life that everything happens for a reason. My beautiful perfect boy is where he should be in Heaven learning amazing things and progressing far faster than I am. I got to have him in this life for nine months in my tummy and to hold him for two hours. It sucks but its enough. So.... maybe our next baby is supposed to come through some one else's tummy not mine. Maybe... but I really don't want to have to pay $15,000 to get them here and thats low costs people. Its just a tad cheaper to produce them myself! I do know people adopt over here but I know its hard. I guess I just need to buck up and take that step and go talk to a social worker.Change..... I hate change! Always have but it always seems to make me better and stronger. Such a kick in the pants, but I'm pretty stubborn so I probably need it each and every time.